Do you know how in any movie before the 1960′s every single man in the movie wears the same shoe? It’s because back in those days everyone understood that if you give people the right to make decisions, some people abuse the power. If you give people the right to wear whichever shoes they want, someday you might be taking a nice stroll around the block and look up to see a man twice your size crunching the leaves, shin deep into his UGG-boots. Here are our most convincing reasons to return to a standard plain black loafer for every man.

Crocs:

It has recently come to my attention that camouflage Crocs are now for sale. If you wear camouflage Crocs, your wife should automatically have the legal right to take all of your money and run. There ought to be a doctor in every state whose full time job is to ensure that no man who wears camouflage Crocs is ever able to have kids.  It may seem extreme now, but if we let them reproduce, it won’t be long until we’re looking at Dawn of the Dead but with worse smells and more Nascar.

Too-Sharp Loafers:

A man is actually supposed to wear this shoe. Seriously, this shoe was designed to be worn. I’m not one hundred percent sure how any man is supposed to force his foot into that shoe but I imagine it requires ma lot of grunting, squeezing, heavy breathing, and Valium. Wearing this shoe is the male equivalent of child birth.

Plastic Basketball Shoes:

Do you remember like ten years ago when you had a pair of these and I was the kid that ate things that I found on the carpet? Do you remember how cool everyone thought you were in your slick red Nikes? Guess what? I would still rather eat something strange off the carpet than wear these shoes. Every time.

Birkenstocks:

Birkenstocks are a favorite among hippies and the elderly because they are the only sandal so naturally hideous that wearing them with socks is actually no worse than wearing them without. You can sock up, slip on your Birkys and go out on the town with a friend who’s wearing them without any socks. You’ll both be responsible for a lot of indigestion in the innocent public, but neither more than the other. That’s science.

Color-Vomit High-Tops:

I’m all for progress, really I am. I understand that Louis Vuitton is a very cutting edge company. I understand that it’s the kind of company that needs to be pushing the fringes of fashion in order to stay relevant. I just really don’t know if the world is ready for space boots yet. While I’m sure they look fabulous when coupled with a new Dolce & Gabanna jetpack or a new Gucci phase thruster, I’m willing to bet that they end up looking ridiculous with a pair of skinny jeans and a thirty dollar vintage plaid shirt.

Columbine Boots:

Whether you’re planning to save Morpheus, fight the conformity at your high-school, or just piss off your grandma, these monsters have got your back. Just allow yourself twenty to thirty minutes to strap in and learn to walk without your ankles. Oh, and don’t forget your trench-coat. You wouldn’t want to look retarded. . .

Ugg Boots. . . For Men:

I used to think that Australia was our ally. They have pretty girls, great beer, those funny little accents, and koala bears.  They gave us Steve Irwin for God’s sake! Then I found out about the UGG Australia men’s line. It seems that for some time now Australia has been secretly poisoning the men of our country with sheep skin and fleece. If you look carefully at the picture above, you can see that the boots are actually in the process of slowly pulling that man’s genitals back inside him. The process, I’ve heard, is irreversible.